Ms. Love

My name is Lauren...

2012-02-03T01:45:00.002-05:00

and I am a drug addict. It's time I finally came clean about my addiction. It's an addiction that many Americans battle with, Americans who live in shame and shroud their addiction in secrecy, and jokes.

I am addicted to Oxymetazoline. Better known as Afrin nasal spray.

Evil. Evil. Evil.

It's funny, I know. In fact, one of my favorite episodes of King of Queens is this one:

But it's a real problem. I can't even explain the panic when your nose starts to congest, and you can't breathe, and you can't find your Afrin. I have driven to the grocery store at midnight just to buy some, because I couldn't find my bottle. I buy multiple bottles; one for my house, one for my purse. I save Afrin bottles with only a few squirts left, to be used as back up/"just in case I lose my main bottle." It controls my life! I have to carry it on me, in case I get stuck somewhere and can't get home.

If I forget it, my day is shot. I stuff up, my voice changes due to the stuffiness, I can barely speak anyway, since I have to breathe through my mouth. Oh and not to mention, having to pay $3 every 2 weeks or so for a new bottle is ridiculous.

It can cause some scary health problems too. Loss of sense of taste and smell, nose bleeds, and in extreme situations, it eats away at your septum. Really, for an OTC nasal spray, this stuff is evil.

I've gotten off it before. Once. And another time I weaned down to just one squirt at night. The best way I've discovered to get off the stuff is to take a bottle of USELESS saline spray, dump 1/2-1/3 out, and then put 1/2-1/3 of Afrin in. Gradually you add less and less of the Afrin, until all that's left is the saline. It is hell on earth, and I don't know how some people do it cold turkey.

That's the plan. Starting tomorrow, the weaning begins!

Maternity

2012-01-30T16:13:00.001-05:00

This post is not exciting or well crafted, but I have to get it down now!

I had my first day of clinical in the maternity center, and it was awesome! I'm on labor and delivery right now (verses mother & baby). I got to see a C/S birth, and the recovery after. After lunch I got to hang in the NICU.

I REALLY hope I get to see a vaginal delivery next week. Two of the other girls did today, and one even got to cut the cord!! It was just luck of the draw. We only get 2 weeks on L & D, and then 2 weeks on M & B and that's it! Our time there is so short, we do 2 other weeks on campus with simulations, which kind of sucks.

I absolutely LOVE maternity though. What an AMAZING experience. I was so blessed to be allowed to witness the birth of a new person, and be there on the BEST day of the new mother's life. Talk about giving you baby fever!

Did I do?

2012-01-17T17:45:00.002-05:00

Well. Kind of. I overslept this morning which was not part of my "doing," but part of that was due to some severe insomnia last night. The trip to the school bookstore was not completed (which would have subtracted from my joie de vivre, so not going is a good thing). However I also didn't take my grandmother to the nail salon, which would have added to my joie bank. So I think I broke even at that point.

However, I did make it to the library.

Which is ALWAYS a good thing, except for maybe when I'm cramming for an exam.

And I will be going to the gym tonight. Another bit of joie. All in all more joie than laziness and stagnation, so I will mark this day as successful!

Really Doing

2012-01-17T00:33:00.003-05:00

I've realized something. I do not like sitting around. I am nearing the end of my winter break from school, and I think I am ready. Of course, I have pre-semester jitters. And I dread how much nursing school is about to consume my life again (although 3rd semester is maternity & psych, so I'm kind of excited!) But today I sat around literally doing nothing. And yesterday I did the same thing. I do not like wasting days of my life.

What does one do to really grasp that joie de vivre then? When one is a) poor b) really poor c) has no children d) is really really poor. While it's true that "money doesn't buy happiness," I've found that it does help. And that people who often quote that are earning a somewhat comfortable middle class salary on a steady basis. My salary right now is $0 and my savings are rapidly dwindling. There is something to be said about having a steady income and the security that allows in finding some joie. But I know that this situation of mine is only temporary, and I should still be enjoying things. At least trying to, even if the undercurrent is one of insecurity and a touch of fear.

My goal for tomorrow (well today, since it is after midnight) is to find or do 3 things that bring me joy and happiness. And they can't involve the TV or internet or sitting on my couch. This may be hard to do, as I must go pick up some school books tomorrow at my school's bookstore, which just so happens to be guarded by a band of Nazi's. But I will be going to the gym tomorow night which brings me a sense of peace and happiness, and I may be taking my 92 year old grandmother to get her nails done. Also a thing of joy. So I might just make it after all.

And if all else fails, I can just go visit this goofball: (my 7 yr old brother)

Oh and 1/17 just happens to be my half-birthday. Of course it will be a good day!

Tripp Earned his Wings

2012-01-15T14:15:00.001-05:00

Tripp, the son of a very sweet blogger, received his angel wings yesterday. Please pray for the family right now, and especially Courtney, his wonderful mother.

http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/

The Prodigal Son is giving an update

2011-12-22T00:34:00.002-05:00

Well I finished my second semester of nursing school with a B in my main nursing course. I'm pretty happy with that! I can't believe that in about a year from now I will be GRADUATING as an RN. Wow!

Right now I'm on break till January 25th. When I start back I will be doing maternity nursing for the first half of the semester and then psych nursing for the second half. I've heard the 3rd semester is a bit easier than my past semester...I hope so. Either way, I'm looking forward to it.

Right now I'm trying to get a job at a visiting nurse service as a home health aide. Very part time. I have to go tomorrow to "test out" of the HHA test (since I already completed fundamentals of nursing, they count that as being "certified," just have to test out).

CHRISTMAS!

(here's our little house)

I have finally done some shopping. Got everyone pretty much done except my one sister. It's been such a tight christmas since I am unemployed and have ZERO income but I've still spent a little. Tomorrow night we're doing cut out cookies with my little brother, I'll have to take some pictures of that fun :)

On a sad note, today we were told by the doctors at the hospital my grandpa is in, that he only has about 3-5 days left to live :( It's not a very happy christmas now because of that. They stopped his dialysis today (and everything else) and he's been moved to hospice care. Please if you can spare some prayers, we'd appreciate it.

Emotional Day at Clinical

2011-10-04T21:00:00.001-04:00

I'm too scared to say anything because of HIPPA but it was just a sad day :(

My life is consumed

2011-09-20T22:22:00.000-04:00

This semester of nursing school is IN.SANE. The amt of work and material is mind numbing. My first exam is Thursday and I've barely had time to study! (although I've gone to about 6 hours of faculty led tutoring hours which were AWESOME and honestly helped me "study" better than if I was just sitting home on my own.) The test is on surgical skills (lol mostly drains and post op things), IV skills (the hardest!!), and then a few questions on fever.
Today was my orientation at the hospital for clinical; this semester is med-surg and I'm on a floor that primarily does gynecological oncology surgeries (lots of hysterectomies!) I'm SO NERVOUS but excited about it too. Please pray that I don't totally suck at it. My clinical time is from 6:30am-3:30pm so it is an early and long day. Today I was up at 4:30am and didn't fall asleep till midnight last night before of nerves. I crashed and burned when I got home.

I skipped WW yesterday :( I was soooo tired. And I know I gained. Monday nights are just such a terrible time for me to go to meetings since I have clinical super early Tues morning. The other time at that location is Weds nights which STILL isn't very good since literally every other week I have an exam Thursday morning and I am going to be CRAMMING on Wednesday. I wish they met Thursday nights. I have a sinking feeling I'll stop going; I just don't have the freaken time in my life, at least for that location. I haven't even been tracking my points, its like a joke to me now. If anyone reading has ever been to nursing school, I know you understand. If you haven't, then you're lucky lol.

Week 7? Weigh In

2011-09-12T21:13:00.002-04:00

I forget what week it is and I'm too lazy to go back and look. Happy to report that I lost 3 pounds this week!! I am now down 6.6 total and I got my 5 pounds lost stick tonight. I don't know how I did it because I didn't really eat that well this week!

I'm so busy!!

2011-09-12T00:04:00.000-04:00

I started school last Tuesday and I am already swamped. I cannot convey the depth of material you must learn in literally a day. It makes me sick! And then when I try to have some downtime and relax, I can't because I feel guilty that I'm not studying. And despite all that, I still feel like I know nothing. Ah!

My weigh in last week was on Wednesday because of the holiday last Monday, and I gained .6lb :( So I'm only at 3.6 lbs lost total right now. I knew I was going to gain. I have been eating like crap, I ate Arby's today...I just got a couple things off the dollar menu but it LITERALLY ate up all but 4 of my daily points. HUGE mistake! My next weigh in is tomorrow and I know it's going to be bad. I need to get it together...it is so easy to not pay attention to what I'm eating now since I'm so busy with everything else.

Not much else is new and I don't have much more time to write about it anyway... I have to start heading to bed!

Week 5 Weigh In

2011-08-29T21:12:00.001-04:00

lost 1.4 pounds, so I'm down 4.2 pounds total. Slowly yet surely... gah!

Crickets

2011-08-25T00:29:00.003-04:00

Does anyone read this anymore? Just curious. Please feel free to leave an anonymous comment! I used to have a little circle of blog buddies but everyone slowly drifted apart, and then I went on a long hiatus. I probably should start looking for blog friends again!

Week 4 Weigh In, and my life for the past week

2011-08-23T11:20:00.003-04:00

I GAINED .8 pound. AHHH!! To my credit, I got my period yesterday; yes the exact same day as my weigh in. I usually gain 2-5 pounds when she's here, so really I have a feeling I actually lost this week, but since I had to get my stupid period, it just makes me look fat. Blah! I hate being a woman sometimes!!!! I'm commited to working out more this week.

Of course going to Trivia Night at a local bar last night probably didn't help my weight loss any, lol!

I've started prepping for school now. I did some dosage calculations last night, that are due on the first day. I need to read/take notes but man I am so bad at that. Give me homework and I'll do it, but having to read and take notes on my own is so boring to me, I just procrastinate on it so bad! Like everything else in my life, I need accountability!

I went to the Corning Museum of Glass last Thursday, http://www.cmog.org/ It.was.awesome!!!! It's about an hour and a half south of where I live, but I'd never been there. It was the most beautiful museum I've ever been to. Of course I didn't take any pics; I figured any pictures I took wouldn't capture how awesome it was. It was one of those things that you need to see in person.

I need to post some pictures. I seriously have not uploaded any pictures this entire summer, and so now it's become an overwhelming task which I keep avoiding. I'll get to it...I promise!

Week 3? Weigh In and ramblings

2011-08-17T12:17:00.001-04:00

Was it week 3 or only week 2? I had joined 3 meetings ago, so it was the 3rd time I was weighed, but the first time was my starting weight. SO is it only week 2 or is it really week 3?

I lost .6 lb at my weigh in on Monday. I was pretty blah about it. I worked hard this week and it was frustrating not to see more gone. I should be happy though because at least I didn't gain, and at least I lost a little. My weight is severely affected by my menstrual cycles....and I'm in my PMS week this week so I'm wondering if that messed with it. I seriously gain about 3-5 pounds when my period is visiting...I should just skip the weigh in next week. Lol just kidding of course! My mother meanwhile is down 5 pounds total and got a sticker at the meeting lol. How does she do it!

Fingers crossed for Eric again. He has an interiew tomorrow. He applied to the job and 20 minutes later they called him. We don't get our hopes up because this has happened before and nothing. I wish *I* could go in there and tell them what a great person he is and a focused worker. Seriously, when that man is on a task he thinks of nothing else but getting it done. I wish I could picket with a sign exclaiming "hire him! hire him!" But I don't think potential employers will appreciate a ~~psycho~~ slightly overzealous girlfriend so I'll refrain and stay home.

My mother has Thursday and Friday off so I think we're heading down to the Corning Museum of Glass tomorrow. I've never been there (although I did once go to Corning, 90 miles south of here, for a band competition when I was a sophomore in high school and in the school's colorguard to appease my mother. My colorguard/winterguard experience could be an entry all on it's own. Oy!). Anyway, I'm kind of excited about it!

I now start back to school 2 weeks and 6 days from now. AH! I cannot believe the denial I am in about it. How can this fabulously long summer be drawing to a close? Am I ready for the stress that nursing school entails? Last semester I was new and had no idea what to expect. Now I know. Whoever said knowledge is power must have been a teacher. Knowing is scary!

Back to school clothes shopping

2011-08-14T14:51:00.003-04:00

(Let me preface this by stating that I have no idea why my text is huge and stark black, and why, more importantly, it has a white highlight. I suspect it's due to the fact that I copied and pasted. Sorry friends, you'll just have to put up with is as techno-challenged me has no clue on how to fix it!)

I have a 7 year old (half) brother, named Mark, going into 2nd grade. (And yes, everyone thinks I'm his mother!) Today I went with him, my dad, and my grandmother to partake in some back-to-school shopping, at Target.

It's so frustrating because he is in between sizes right now, as usual. A size XS (4/5) is too small length wise but waist wise they still fit. A size S (6/7) fits in length but is too big in the waist! ! We tried slim fit on him and they fit *ok* but some brands look better than others. A size 6 regular actually ended up being the winner though for the wrangler jeans...Thank god they have the adjustable waistbands (known hence as "AW"!!) Without that the gap in the back allows you to see his entire underwear!
However he had to get a size 5 in khakis and blue cotton pants (the kind that kinda look like private school uniform pants haha!). And then a size 6 in cargo pants; those were a bit big but the AW helped rein him in!

Shirts; Ugh. Size XS is a little small (they actually kind of fit but within 2 months I KNOW they will be too small) and a size Small is a tad big but I know will last him throughout the year. So we got him some cute cotton shirts, polos, and a nice button-down plaid shirt. This child better grow!

Also got him a size small zip up hoodie...pretty big on him again. But getting an XS would be silly since a) he needs to wear clothes under it and b) he will be growing. And it was slightly small looking in the arm length. We decided being the kid who's clothes are a little too big is better than being the child with bare wrists, and high waters.

He's in a size 13 shoes now too. They were having a deal, BOGO 1/2 off, so we got him a size 13 sneaker and then a size 13.5 for when his foot grows LOL! At least he can find a size he actually fits into in shoes!

Underwear...AGAIN he's right on the cusp. We got him a size "8" for kids that weigh 52-59 pounds. He' around 51 pounds, of course, but getting a size "6" would be a waste; he has those now and you can tell they're about to be too small. He got his Start Wars Legos that he LOVES, and then Lego Batman for good measure. Does anyone else think little boy underwear is ADORABLE? Because it is.

Anyone's kids constantly "in between" sizes? Markie is ALWAYS like that! What a frustrating thing! Oh well, he has some clothes to start school, and hopefully he grows evenly soon! I don't think he's particularly skinny and tall (his height and weight were actually in the 50th percentile for his age at his recent physical!), but apparently in clothes sizes he is a little bit uneven!

Weigh in and rude people.

2011-08-09T01:04:00.001-04:00

Weighed in tonight and I lost 3 pounds this week. Woo hoo!

Why are some people so rude? No really, I don't understand. So I serve people ice cream part-time. I usually like it, it's fun, and I like getting out of the house to do it. 90% of customers are friendly and nice and normal. However, some people in the general public just, for a lack of a better term, suck at life. I am about to list my top annoyances at work.

#1 First off. People who let their young kids order (i'm not talking older kids, they're usually okay). Ok, I get it, you think your kid is cute and can't comprehend how everyone else doesn't think your kid is as cute as you do ( I have a 7 yr old brother and think he is the cutest kid out there too, I get it). However, when there is a long line, and I've been running around for 2 hours making people's crazy custom sundae orders, and dealing with their 'tude, and just general stress, I don't have time to listen to your 3 year old's 10-minute drawn out, whispered, baby talk order. They don't know how to order because they can't read. I'm sorry, they can't. They don't know that ice cream comes in different sizes, they don't know that there are cones or dishes. They don't know that saying "i want the rainbow" means nothing to me. Also they speak like this. I can't hear them. At.All.

(#1a While I'm on it, it's not just kids. Grown adults speak in a baby voice too. SPEAK UP. I have the motors and pumps and compressors of 5-6 freezers, refrigerators, and machines 2 feet from my ear. And some have weird rattles, buzzes, and squeaks that also add to the general noise.. I also have fans, doors banging, music playing, and people yelling inside. Do you really think I can hear you when you speak at the decimal of a pin dropping? No. I cannot. Don't get mad at me when I don't hear you change your order from chocolate sprinkles to rainbow sprinkles when I've already walked out of your vision. If you can't see me, I can't hear you. In fact, unless I am 8 inches from your face, I can't even hear you when I CAN see you.

Ok back to the kids. Your child's baby talk. I get it, they're still learning language skills and you think it's a great lesson to have them "order themselves." But you know what, I didn't ask to be your 3 year old's guinea pig. When they say a word that is clearly NOT real English yet, don't just stand there like I'm supposed to interpret this bizarre phase. I had a child order "Mapel" and upon interpretation, it was black raspberry. And no, the parent didn't tell me what the eff the kid said until I asked for clarification, and then they gave me 'tude about it. What.the.eff. So, please tell me what they said. Better yet, order your kid's ice cream yourself! That would save us the time and frustration of me having no effing idea what your kid is saying. And if I get the order wrong, do not even try to blame me. I just got an order in a foreign toddler language with a deadbeat interpreter; this one is your fault, mom and dad.

#2 The lazy parent. You know what makes you look fatter than eating ice cream? Sitting in your car on your fat ass while you send you child to order you your ice cream. GET OUT OF YOUR CAR. Your kid is awkward at the window. They have no idea what to do. Don't even try to tell me how "awesome" your kid is at the social skill known as ordering. There is a 95% chance they are not, and you are confused about your kid's level of cognitive development. They have no idea how to handle the necessary details of an order. You tell them "I want chocolate custard" but nothing else. What size? Cone or dish? They give me a blank expression. They also have a limited concept of money. I have had more than 1 kid just walk away from the window without paying. Also, sometimes you short change them. What am I supposed to do when the kid is a dollar short and I can't even explain to them the concept of it because I'm not talking to a fully developed human. GET OUT OF YOUR CAR and deal with this! Your kid is not your slave who's sole purpose in life is to serve you. And by the way, I make your ice cream a little smaller 'cuz lord knows your lazy ass doesn't need it. And I'm annoyed.

#3 Blamers. Listen, you want to change your order. That is FINE. I won't be mad. What makes me mad is when I bring you your order, that we ALL HEARD YOU SAY, that I repeated back to you twice and you verified, and then you say "oh I didn't want that." YES YOU DID. You ordered it. Don't LIE, I know you are lying, I know what you said originally. Working with the public has made me realize that pathological liars are more common than you think. I could go on and on with examples. One lady ordered "vanilla with a chocolate hard shell' So that's what I did. I bring it to her and she gives me a look of UTTER DISGUST and horror. Also her face looked like a pig naturally, so it actually was a really great facial expression.
Her: "What is THAT?"
Me: Uh, what you ordered (I thought she was about to puke, her disgust was that great)
Her: I wanted the waffle cone with the chocolate on it, that's what I said. I didn't say THAT, you heard wrong.

Ok really? 'Cuz you did, you said those exact words. And you had no mention of a waffle cone. Also that cone you say you wanted is called a chocolate dipped waffle cone. Hard shell is a total different thing (as stated on the menu). No where in your order did you use that phrase "chocolate dipped waffle cone." Please read the menu AND the display of the cones 4 inches in front of your face that lists the exact name of what you want.

Me: (pulling it away) Ok I'll make you a new one, no problem
Her: Oh no, never mind. I'll just take that. Ew what's THAT!? (pointing to a dot of vanilla breaking through the hard shell. Which you know, is just the laws of physics)
Me: Um, the ice cream
Her: Well someone must have touched it!
Me: No one touched it. It does that. Your total is $X.XX
Her: Oh that total must include the chocolate hard shell that i DIDN'T WANT
ME (to myself): listen bitch. If you didn't want it, don't specially ASK FOR IT when you order. Also I offered to "correct" it, so if you refused my offer, then it's over with. And secondly, if you had gotten the chocolate dipped waffle cone like you wanted, it would have been even MORE money! So how you gonna complain?

I have more examples, (like the girl ordering a sugar cone and when I bring it to her saying "I didn't WANT a sugar cone!"
Me: But you ordered one.
Her: I know but I didn't want one, I wanted a regular one.
Me-to myself: Well then, you are obviously an idiot.)

However, I don't have all day to write them out, and my readers won't want to read it. I'm sure everyone has skimmed over the last couple paragraphs. Caught 'cha!

#4 Please give me 1-2 orders at a time. Do you see a pad in front of my face? I'm not writing this down. I have to mentally remember it all. Do you see waitresses doing that? No. So cut me some slack. I cannot take 5 orders at once. And the people that do this are not just ordering 5 small vanillas, or a similar easy order. They are ordering a "Mexican sundae with pecans instead of Spanish peanuts, and hot fudge instead of chocolate syrup. And peanut butter cups on that too, oh and chocolate sprinkles on the bottom, then a little bit in the middle, then more on top. Oh and can you use Panda Paws Ice cream instead of vanilla?" I have to remember all that in my head. And guess what? I don't know your favorite bizarre creation off hand. I.just.don't. And no one on earth does. So when I get 5 different orders like that all at once. My puny human mind cannot remember it. People seriously get short with me for not remembering it on their first verbal vomit.

When you order a banana split with "one scoop butter pecan, one scoop black raspberry, and one scoop caramel praline turtle, with Spanish peanuts instead of crushed nuts on the butter pecan, and cherry topping instead of strawberry topping on the black raspberry, and yuck! no marshmallow, put some caramel on the caramel praline, oh! and use hot fudge on that scoop too. But do NOT get it on the black raspberry. Oh and put sprinkles on it." Guess what? I'm going to ask you to repeat it. Please do not act amazed that I didn't catch that the first time you vomited the order out to me. We do not all live inside your mind. Please just be nice and repeat it to me!

I have more complaints but I'm wiped out now. Literally, wiped out.

School is a-comin' for me!

2011-08-05T13:49:00.004-04:00

School starts Sept. 6th for me. I am getting scared, my friends! I should preface this by letting you know, that I am one of the most anxious/nervous/worry-some people ever. I fixate on my fear/worry and dwell on it until it happens, imagining how uncomfortable it's going to be the whole time. Then when it happens, almost always, it is not as bad as I imagined and I do fine. BUT, that doesn't stop me from starting the cycle all over again when the next unpleasant thing comes up, ohhhh no.

So, consequently, the entire month of August will now be spent with me worrying obsessionally over school starting. It doesn't help that the approximately 6 inch thick "course outline" is now being sold at the college bookstore (or so I hear, I myself have not set foot onto that campus since the end of May). One of the professors for this semester emailed us with our 1st week reading for "those that want to start it now" (we're supposed to do it before the 1st day of class, but I didn't think *this* early!). And on the facebook group I belong to for my Dec 2012 class, many of them are doing all the readings and asking crazy questions and freaking me out! Now, when I say "many" it is really only, say, 6 people out of 55 members in the FB group (and about 85 in the class). But it FEELS like everybody when you're Ms. Nervy Nervous! So when I get nervous what do I do? Start avoiding and procrastinating! Yes, I have some great coping mechanisms over here. I really should start my reading though to make it easier on myself BUT I am unwilling to admit that my summer can ever be over, and that school is at the end of it.

I'm not looking forward to the stress. I have been relaxed this summer (minus normal life stressors like finances, but those are always there, so they don't count anymore!) I look back on myself last semester and think, how the heck did I do that?!? When you enter a relaxed, slightly lazy state of being, it's hard to look back on your stressful, productive self and see how you "did it." I know I'll "do it" again but at this point I don't see how!

Clinical. Mine is from 6:30am-3:30pm on Tuesday and I am scared. Of the time. 6:30, what? I have to get up at 5 am? There have been more days of my life that I have gone to bed at 5am then days where I have gotten UP at 5am. To say I am not a morning person is like saying the universe is not small. I applied to get into one clinical that is a B-shift, from 2-11pm, however it was a lottery and I didn't get picked. It's surgical nursing this semester, pre and post op, and I am nervous of making a 6:30am mistake! I never slept the night before my clinical last semester (okay, maybe 3-4 hours but there were a couple nights I seriously could not sleep) and I always did fine once the adrenaline rush hit me and carried me on through (although that clinical was only 6 hours long). My prior clinical instructor said I "was the best" in the clinical group, which blew me away, as when I went in for my review I was planning on hearing a laundry list of my faults as a student nurse (and believe me there are many). So I'm trying to draw on all the nice things she said (because she wouldn't say them if they weren't true-she's that kind of person, and nurse) but it's hard to believe it yourself when you lack the a) experience and b) confidence.

Well I'm sick of writing about my upcoming school and I'm sure any readers who have made it this far have already skimmed over a couple paragraphs. I should probably close in giving a quick blurb about Eric's latest apprenticeship interview. As I may have mentioned, this process has been going on since the end of May. I can't believe he doesn't know yet. Anyway, on Tuesday he had to go in an take a test. He studied up for it, despite having no idea what would actually be on said test. Luckily, he said it was "easy" and is confident he did well. The secretary told him they'd call him sometime next week (ugh, I loathe that phrase, all employers use it, and it's so infuriatingly wishy-washy. Give me him an exact day, god dammit! Don't you know his girlfriend is sitting over here worrying about this!) So, he will probably be calling them next week to follow up, as they don't always get back to him promptly (based on the 3 month long interview process) and usually when he calls to remind them of his existence they say something like "oh yes! Can you come in on XX day at XX time?" Hopefully next week it'll just be "oh yes! We would like to offer you the apprenticeship!"

Pessimistic me can't imagine him getting it, but the little echo of optimism is telling the pessimist to shut up and maybe he really has a chance. Hopefully the optimist is right!

Just a check in

2011-07-27T19:53:00.006-04:00

Still alive. Enjoying summer vacation. I started nursing school last semester, and somehow survived. It is the craziest journey I have been on thus far. I love it though and look forward to the day when I can really be an RN. I won't graduate until December 2012, so I still have a ways to go. Today a school friend let me know that she won't be back this coming semester, she "dropped out" of nursing school. It makes me very sad, as she was a sassy ray of sunshine (she reminded me so much of a blonde molly ringwald!) and I will really miss her presence. But as she left me know,

I fulfilled my County Community College* destiny by meeting you, Jane Doe*, and several other nursing students who I hope will continue to be fb friends. I will not be frightened in the least if I wake from surgery and find you over my bed :-)

So that made me feel a little better :)

I have been working part time for my father, he owns an ice cream shop. It's actually not that bad, and I receive tips which of course makes everything better. They really help, my tip money is usually my food money! Other than that, I spend my days just relaxing, laying out, and spending time with my little brother. I don't think I've mentioned him before but I have a 7 year old half-brother who everyone confuses as my son. He has been in this country for a little over a year (the first 6 years of life he lived in China, where his mother is from.) I could write a whole blog just on him, but I really don't have the time at the moment. So I will just conclude that I can understand why children are such a joy (really!) but I can also understand why many parents spank their kids!

Please keep your fingers crossed as on Tuesday, Eric goes to take an exam for an apprenticeship he is trying to get. He's had 3 interviews (over the course of 2.5 months!!) so I just hope he gets it already. We so.need.this.break.

Tomorrow I am joining Weight Watchers. Yay! And with that final, positive, note...I am signing off!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent!

My dog died :(

2010-11-03T11:55:00.002-04:00

Last Thursday from a sudden illness. He went to get his booster shots the Friday before and it trigged an autoimmune response, where his immune system started killing his own red blood cells. It's called hemolytic anemia. We almost put him to sleep wednesday night but brought him home, and Thursday morning he died on his own. My dad came over, he lifted his head up and wagged his tail and my dad tried to spoon feed him. I ran upstairs crying at this point, and meanwhile, Sammy wanted to lie on his side and my dad helped him. Then he just laid his head on the pillow we had there, and died. I walked back down right as he died. :(

I miss my dog. He was a basset hound mix and was 9 years old. He was such a crazy character, he even had his own facebook! No other dog was as funny as him...I've had other dogs so I'm not totally biased! He really had such a goofy person personality. I feel so bad for him and just miss him so much still!

PLEASE: IF YOUR PET ACTS DIFFERENTLY AFTER VACCINATIONS, EVEN IF THEY'VE GOTTEN THEM *MANY* TIMES BEFORE, TAKE THEM BACK TO THE VET!! Your pet can't tell you they don't feel good, they can only show you a change in their behavior. Sammy was acting "tired" starting the weekend before he died but we thought he was just tired from getting shots. He was 9; these shots were nothing new so we never thought something could happen *now*. Then the first couple days of the week we thought he was sick/had an infection. We had never heard of hemalytic anemia or even though that something FATAL could happen, and that he was going to die from this :(

BIG LIFE UPDATE!!

2010-06-13T13:11:00.004-04:00

1) I quit my job!! Yes, the one that made me so miserable. My last day was June 2nd and I haven't looked back. Of course I'm broke, and only have health insurance for the next 2.5 weeks, but I don't regret it. I'm moving on with my life, I'm not stagnating and more importantly, I'm not wasting any more precious time in my life being so unhappy everyday.

2) I'm taking classes this summer, to finish up my nursing school pre-req's. The one is developmental psychology (easy) and the second is human physiology (incredibly difficult, for me). The psych only goes until July 9th but the horrible science class is of course longer; it runs until August 6th. And it's 3.5 hours, 3 nights a week. It IS interesting stuff though, just hard to comprehend sometimes, and even harder to retain. I'll get through it though, somehow! After this I only have 1 more pre-req (microbiology) to apply for the associate's nursing program, or 3 more pre-req's (microbiology, nutrition, and statistcs!) to go for a BSN (bachelor's in nursing).

3) I have no idea how to pay for it all! I have to fill out a form detailing my "Loss or Reduction of Income" and send to the school, hopefully they'll throw me some money. I had to take out a small private educational loan to pay for my summer classes, not something I really wanted to do.

4) Question: Am I considered an "adult student?" There are the 18-22 year olds in my class who are of traditional age. I'm 24 years old...25 in about 5 weeks (which i'm actually kinda freaking out over. 25 is SO mid 20s!) I've been to college, graduated with a BA, and got a job. And I hated it and now I'm going back to school for a "career change." So I've been there, done that. On the flip side, there are the late 30s and 40 year old's in my class who are decidedly Adult Students. They have families; marriage, kids, mortgages, old jobs that they worked in for over a decade. I'm not that either. I think I just sort of feel like an awkward in between. Or maybe I just don't like not being able to assign myself a label.

5) I'm starting a temporary job on July 2nd, at center for developmentally delayed/special ed/challenged kids. They range from severe to moderate, mostly, and have all different diagnoses. I'm just going to be a teacher's aide, but this wonderful place also has a fulltime nursing staff, so I figured it'd be a good opportunity. At least I'd know if I liked this type of work or not. Unfortunately the job ends August 17th (it's technically considered a "school" but these kids need something all year round, so the regular school year staff gets the summer off (nice!) and they bring us temps in for the summer session), and then I'll once again be unemployed.

6) Eric is still by my side, figuratively, but he's still living 90 miles away! He just spent the past week here though, because he didn't have to work. Which is a whole 'nother issue. Basically he needs a better job, and one that is 0 miles away, QUICK. Western NY isn't exactly a hot bed of job growth either though. Furthermore, being a college drop out doesn't help. He managed a pizzeria for years, he hates it but I'm trying to tell him at least it'd be something steadier than what he has.

7) Oh, biking. We've started. After a LOT of used-bike's-off -craigslist drama, Eric finally fixed one up enough so it works (kinda). My "crotch bone" (aka the pubis) is killing me but riding through the pain is working. Also, I am so out of shape. I've been working out at home and thought I'd be *okay* to start the biking. No. Wrong. I was dead yesterday after our fairly easy bike ride.

8) Weightloss. I've been doing this! I went to the doctor's 2 weeks ago, and had lost 14 pounds since my physical in January, according to their scale. According to my scale at home I've now lost 12. So something around there. More importantly, I also lowered my cholesterol significantly. Let me preface this by saying high cholesterol runs in my family. Also, I'm not morbidly obese. I'm overweight yes, but not a blob. Anyways, mine was VERY high...260 in January. Well in 3 months I managed to bring it down to 178! My doctor pretty much threw a party for me right there in the exam room. I had really been trying, so I was pretty happy with myself too. I've let things slip a little lately but I'm still on the horse. Can't wait to lose a bit more weight!

What's new?

2009-08-03T16:54:00.002-04:00

Not much.

Still at my horrible awful job. There was an attack of bees today. They were in the lights above my desk, and many other desks, and banging against the window trying to get the hell outta dodge. And they were LOUD. I cannot describe to you the buzzing. It was unreal. Of course, since I work at a ghetto, low class, company (and you'll be grateful you even have this job! Many people in this city don't even have THIS!) we just had to sit there and deal with it. Do you know what it's like to be trying to work and have a hornets nest, literally, about 8 feet from your desk? Horrible. I rushed through my work to get out at 4pm, which is an 8 hour workday. Yes we're off manditory overtime during the week, "if we get all our work done" however we're still on the 2 saturday's a month overtime bull. I need a new life!

I finished my psych class and got a 93.3 % which of course was .02 points away from being a 93.5 which would have rounded up to a 94% which would have been an A. STORY OF MY LIFE. I was .02 points away from having a very magical GPA # when I graduated college the first time around. Oh well, I'll take the A-. I'm not in any classes for the fall because there are no spots. Everyone wants to take human antomy, apparently. At this rate I will be a registered nurse around 2020.

Eric still does not have a job out here and is still living in his hometown. His job cut his hours, which was greeeat but we still live. Sometimes I really think we need to move out of this area. There are too many people and just not enough jobs. And so many are sooo underpaid. You cannot live on $8/hour! My cousin in Memphis just got hired in the school district down there to be a teacher. He has a BA in communications. I have a BA in political science/legal studies. Even with a Master's degree in education around here, it takes years to get a teaching job. You're lucky to get a long term sub job making $12/hour. My uncle has a friend who's son is 29 and a principal at a school with only his Bachelor's degree. They live in South Dakota. Clearly NY is not the place to be.

I've finally convinced Eric into looking into CNC machinist training. That is one job that still pays very well here AND that they are always looking for. I know it's not a life passion, but you can't pay a mortgage and put food on the table making $9/hour. Sometimes you have to work at something you can tolerate and pursue your real passions on the side.

My father took off to China on my birthday (July 17th). Didn't tell anyone. He took us all out to dinner the night beore for my birthday and never said a word. He went back because he has a 5 year old son there and wanted to ensure that he is taken care of. Basically, in China, if you are illegitamate, you do not exist. You have to carry around a family book and if your parents are not married...you're not in the book. You need to show your name in the book to get your eduation, healthcare, etc. THe only option for these kids is to beg, prostiution, drugs, or career criminals. This is the truth; I've lived there and I've seen these kids. My dad had a "faux heart attack" about a month ago and this scared him. He decided that he needed to take care of this kid NOW. Not 6 months from now, NOW. Cuz if he died, this kid is screwed. So...he married the child's mother about a week and a half ago. The child can get a chinese passport and a US passport now (to get the US he'd have to show his Chinese and he wouldnt be able to show the chinese unless he was a legitamate child).
My parents divorce was just final June 1st! He's currently living with her family in middle China (about 5 hours west of Shanghai) in a city of about 2 million, and teaching English. He's also trying to open a laundramat because no one there has washers or driers. They wash their clothes in bathtubs. There is a university nearby and he's opening it up across the street. I guess her family is backing him to get the business started. They are IN LOVE with American men there so I'm sure he'll be successful. He doesn't have the money to get back here, so he needs to earn it somehow. Did I mention he got laid off from his job here, in April? He used frequent flier miles to fly there. My father has been having a midlife crisis for the past 10 years, and I wish him the best. He has NOT been paying my mother her child support (around $1200/month) which is an issue in itself. Things have been tense aorund here because of my father, lack of money, etc. I can only imagine how things will be when he moves himself and his new family back here. They will live at my grandparents...god help us! I have a feeling my grandma will be signing the deed over to my dad eventually...

Other than that, not much to report. We've had a horrible non-summer. Today it hit 80 which has been really rare. The weather people say it's the coldest summer on record; and they've been keeping records for a loooong time.

2008-10-22T18:49:00.003-04:00

things are just crazy and I don't even have time to really update. I'll do a real one eventually...when things fall into place!

Weight Loss

2008-09-24T17:56:00.004-04:00

Well i'm joining the wagon again! I am going to keep track of some of my progress HERE. I need a place to write things down so as not to get all confused. I am doing weight watches flex points right now. Haven't joined, wanna see how the points go for me...plus i'm poor and going to graduate school soon and $200 is a lot for me to fork over lol. Anddd i'm moving an hour away in the next few months so I'm hesitant to join up with a group here, only to sever those ties so quickly. I'm just hoping everything doesn't fall a part when I go back to school!

Weight Loss
9.15.08~ 203lbs
9.24.08~200

WW pts: 24-31/day

Bfast
Banana-2 pts
Black Coffee-0 pts

Lunch
green salad-0 pts
chicken chunks-2 pts
tortilla shell- 2 pts
sliced turkey- 2pts
cheese- 2 pts
honey mustard dressing- 4 pts

Snack
baby ruth candy bar - 6 pts, using flex pts
Apple- 1 pt

Dinner
Pasta-3 pts
Chicken breast(boneless, skinless)- 3pts
Tomato sauce(canned) - 0 pts
Cheese-2 pts
Salad - 0 pts

Total: 23 (so far)
remaining weeks flex pts: 29

Do you need to lose weight? And need some money?

2008-05-27T21:47:00.006-04:00

I was introduced to this great website, http://www.wellness360.com/ , where you fill in info all about your health history, family history, fitness, and nutrition. They help you track everything from your weight and measurements, to your exercise and the foods you eat, to your medical conditions. THey also provide some great health and fitness articles that are pretty intestings. Oh, AND they have videos showing all different excercises, which is great because I never know what to do.

BEST PART. You get PAID for doing all this! YES. Everything you fill out, read, click on, you get paid. After spending about 2 hours on the site I was up to $6!! You need to reach $25 in order to cash out-but believe me, you can easily reach that! And they are LEGIT, they pay out or I wouldn't post this.

So please sign up using the enrollement code ahm815121 at www.wellness360.com . You will need this code to register.

Have fun and enjoy it!

You're gonna love this!!

2008-05-23T18:13:00.004-04:00

Hello my dear readers, I have a GREAT contest to share!

Visit Kristin's blog, It's an Ordinary Life, and check out her Dyson contest.
She has great contests, reviews, and giveaways all the time, but i know a lot of ladies are going to love this one especially. So go check it out!!

Imagine all the dirt and grime that hot lil number would pick up! Super sucking power, helps with ALLERGINS (yes!) and it rolls on a ball making it easier to manuever. Go check it out loves!

Skin MD Natural

2008-05-17T23:52:00.006-04:00

I have one word for this product-WOW!

So I recieved my sample bottle of Skin MD Natural, Shielding Lotion in the mail last week. I was on my way out the door (to a grad school meeting) but just had to try my new product before I left. I opened it up, read the papers that accompanied it, and decided to use a little. They aren't kidding, a little really DOES go a long way! A bottle of this stuff will really last you for a while. So, I squirt some out and rub it into my hands. WOW. This lotion goes on so thin and smooth, it almost feels like water...not thick and goopy like some lotions can be and it was rubbed into my skin within seconds. I hate lotions that just sit on your skin and prevent you from touching anything for like 5 minutes-you don't have that problem with this lotion! This product made my hands feel SO soft and silky immediately! You know how you imagine a woman's hands should feel...this is how they felt! So I was definately impressed right away.

Later that night I used it again, and then used it every night for the next week. I used it on my hands, face, legs, hah I tested it all over. I used it on my arms, where I have keratosis pilaris which is basically dry skin that doesn't sluff off and builds up in bumps on your arms (more than 50% of the population has this to a varying degree). Anyway, at the end of the week my arms were definatly looking better! Now i'm not stating that this product will cure this condition but it definatly helped and really moisturized. I also had my mother try this because she is a dental hygentist and uses rubber gloves day in and day out which leaves them extremely dry and cracked. I had her try some and she too loved it! She couldn't believe how much it moisturized and how soft her hands felt (her hands are always dry and rough). She now keeps stealing my sample to use!

This lotion is different than most. That's because this is actually a shielding lotion. These are different than traditional lotions in that they adhere to the skin and protect it from the environment and elements, and basically forms a shield around the hand. So it not only moisturizes your skin but keeps that moisure in with the sheild, and keeps harmful products out-like hand sanitizer, cleaning solutions, drying soap, etc. I totally believe in this product, I have never had a lotion feel and work like this has!

If you'd like to look into this product further, you can visit their website by clicking HERE

You can also order your own bottle on the website. If you're not fully convinced, you can order a free sample and see how great this stuff is yourself! Click HERE to check it out!

They have great people working for them, which is hard to find in this day and age. If you have any questions about their product, feel free to contact them!

Relay for Life

2008-05-04T21:24:00.004-04:00

Cancer SUCKS!!!! I'm walking in Relay for Life on June 6th and would LOVE if you could please help us to raise money to help beat cancer. So far my team has raised almost $3,000...and we need $500 more to reach our goal. Please, even if you only have $1 to spare, that dollar is going towards a great cause. As some may know, last year my aunt and my cousin's husband were diagnosed with cancer with a couple weeks of each other. My aunt had throat cancer and my cousins husband had colon cancer at age 38-which is rare to get so young. Cancer can happen to anyone, at anytime,and thanks to some great advancements in medicine, both my relatives are cancer free and doing well today!

Here is my page to donate
Please Donate!
click on "make a gift to Lauren L" on the page under the little thermomator goal counter thingy.

Here is my teams main page, my aunt and cousin-in-law are also on it in the picture
My Team's Homepage

Thank you for anyone who can spare some change to help beat cancer!

Relationships

2008-04-24T22:27:00.001-04:00

Relationships are hard work, we all know that. How do you get through the harder times? How do you get over the fights, or even better, prevent them? How do you make a relationship work?

2008-04-19T21:24:00.003-04:00

Today I cleaned out a drainage ditch with a rake on an 85 degree day. It was HARD work and i was sweating and my muscles were shaking. Why didn't i stop? Because my 70 something year old next door neighbor was right there next to me raking the muck out of the "stream" so that the "pond" that has formed behind our houses will start flowing (stagnant swamp water in the spring=MOSQUITO CITY in the summer). This was one tough old lady. Wow, I guess I am more out of shape than I thought because lady was workin' that rake!

And ps. We got the stream to start flowing...there was just SO MUCH rotten leaves and debris, theres 2 little bridge-tunnel things in both our yards (at the edge of our property lines-behind us is a field owned by the state) and it was really blocked up over there. So I think we acheived some success!

My Addiction

2008-04-13T19:57:00.003-04:00

Yes I am an addict. I know, you probably have no idea because of the way I go about my daily life. I seem to manage it so well. But you don't know. Secretly, I need a squirt it 10, 12,15, maybe 20 times a day. I can't help it.

Yes, my addiction is Afrin nasal spray, specifically the afrin "sinus"

It's terrible. Terrible. Per medical research, it's as addictive as heroin. No joke. I believe them. I start to feel that "stuffy" feeling, that pressure in my nasal cavity that feels like my nose is gonna burst, and basically just the frustration of not being able to breathe...and I loose all self control. Each day now I say that today is the day i start to break free of my addiction. But once the horrendous withdrawls start I'll do ANTHING to breathe again. It's a panic really. And I know that my precious drug of choice will let me breath freer than i've ever breathed if i just use a couple squirts in my nose. So I squirt it and say that I'll start the weaning process again the next time.

I hate it because I know that the pharmecutical companies LOVE me. They want us all to be addicted so we can keep speading $5/bottle on their addictive drug. I buy a bottle every week or 2. Terrible.

I don't know what to do. I want to get off of it so bad. It doesn't help that now is allergy season and one of my biggest allergy symptoms?? Congestion and sinus pressure. I don't go to the doctor anymore about it. Whats the point? All they say is "get off Afrin" and charge you $25. As if it is that easy as if I WANT to shell out money for something that i clearly now myself. So no, it's not worth it-the doctors don't know how to help. So i know that me and my fellow Afrin addicts just sit and silently suffer....

The Devil:

Attention

2008-04-12T20:51:00.003-04:00

I changed my template of my blog and I lost all my widgets (aka links n' stuff) So, can everyone please give me their blog addresses again? I don't know any off the top of my head!!

For those with money to spare ;)

2008-04-10T21:29:00.001-04:00

Think about it

2008-04-10T20:16:00.002-04:00

Case 1) When I was 16 and started driving (year 2002) gas cost $1.31/gallon. I filled up my compact-stick shift-clown car on $10. And it lasted 2 weeks. I have heard tell that back in the 1970s it was around 50 cents/gallon. So. It went up 80 cents in 30 years.

Why then has it gone up $2 in 5 years (using 2007 as the year when things got ridiculous). Does this not seem a bit much to anyone? Or do we just accept it because we are so beaten down and just expect to be raped in the wallet now when it comes to everthing?

Case 2) In 1981, my beautful young parents were married. They were 21 and 22 years old, making a combined salary of $30,000. They bought a house, and it cost them 40,000. Now this was a 1700 sq foot house in the suburbs, not the most expensive real estate but not the cheapest either. So if you can do basic math you'd know that the house cost only $10,000 more than their yearly combined salary.

Fastforward:
An average house of that type sells for about $125,000 in this market today. About 3x the average salary around here. Average salary in this area is...$31,000. Even if you have 2 sposes working and making $62,000 combined, thats still over 2x as much as their yearly salary. Still there is inflation.

Clearly, we have a problem. I have never seen a society stick their head in the sand so for just such a long period of time. When will the American people pull their heads out (of the sand) and realize that this just isn't acceptable. Consumers control the costs. It used to be that people understood this. The government and big business knew they had to appease their customers. Today, it appears the other way around. Government and big business call all the shots. Exorbinant costs? Charge it because people will pay. Why? Why does no one say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?

And as an endnote, frankly, I'm sick of going out to eat and paying $12 for a mediocre at best meal (in most cases it is subpare). For a minimum wage worker, thats 2 hours of work. For 1 meal. Once again I repeat. Ridiculous.

Decisions

2008-04-10T19:50:00.001-04:00

I decided.

I am taking my 2 undergrad classes i need for teaching certification this summer at MCC. 1 class each session (1st one starting 5/29). I need a math and a health.

i'm definatly going to grad school, probably Spring '09 b/c the Fall 08 deadlines have passed. But who knows. Im going on the 16th to an infomation night at Nazareth. I need to find out EXACTLY what classes at MCC would count. See for my BA degree i just needed 1 math and no health. But NY state requires elementary teachers have 2 maths and a health. Hence why i need to go. Then in the fall, i'm gonna start substitute teaching! It pays like what i make now at my current job so not too bad. I can do that WHILE i go to grad school AND its good experience.

I want to quit my job but i'm not sure how it would work out just working a parttime one. So many things to do!

I forgot about this

2008-03-31T22:17:00.000-04:00

Ive been tanning for the past month but my skin is immune to all sun effects so i dont look that tan.

I also got highlights last weekend. I want to get more and more gradually so that it looks blondish for the summer. I need to find someone to do my hair who isnt scared to do things like cut it in a fun way or color it blonde, the lady i went to was scared to do like anything to my hair- like she was hesitating to trim my bangs. For reals. I need a risktaker.

these are bad pics cuz i hadnt straightend my hair yet and it looks dried out, and i look a tad white trashy, but i havent had time for a good photo shoot. Oh and ive fixed my own bangs since these pics, they're actually bang-y now.

Our anniversary

2008-02-24T12:35:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to added that Eric and I's 1 yr anniversary was last Monday, February 18th. It was a good day even though we didnt get to spend a lot of alone time together. He got me a big bouquet of flowers and then later, when I ran into Hess Express quick and came back out to the car, he goes Happy Anniversary Babe! And handed me a jewelry box with a goofy pink bow on it and inside was a super-fine gold bracelet. I love it, i've been wanting something nice but not guady, so that I can wear it everday. He did good :) I can't believe it's been a whole year already; I'm excited though for all the exciting things to come!

Update to the interview

2008-02-24T12:08:00.002-05:00

Sorry it took me so long to update!

Well. It went well, it did. Very friendly lady. Gorgeous view from the office lol.

However, I dont know if i'd want the job. First of all it IS out of my league. She asked if i had treasury or government experience...um no? This position is the 3rd highest you can get, CSO,...after this one is her, and then her boss (the CFO). And thats it. She said what made her call me is because of where i went to college, it impressed her, apparently. And because of all the awards I got.

My thing is, I dont think i want to go in this direction with my career. I really don't think i'd like it, the whole financial portfolios of government agencies thing(from fannie mae to amtrack) ...eh its really not my thing. Of course i know a lot of people in my life would think i was nuts. I dont want to sound conceited but i have always been categorized as the highly intelligent one. I dont feel I am but thats what ive always been labeled. I hate labels. So, people think that if youre smart that should equate into making lots and lots of money.

The thing is, i like service jobs. I like being around people. You dont make a lot of money in those jobs but thats what i LOVE. Its hard to tell people that without having them think I'm CRAZY for not wanting to work somewhere where i'll make a crapload of money. But, how many 40 yr olds do you see having midlife crisises cuz they hate their jobs?? I dont want that to be me!! I want a job I love, ya know?So im hoping I just dont get a call back so I dont have to make this decision. It IS a lot of money but i think id be extremely overwhelmed. She even said, its overwhelming, frustrating, and you'll have peopel screaming at you everyday. I'm looking for lesss stress in my life, not MORE.

Oh and Eric got a call from Swhann's (the food company) on thursday but the guy was out of the office till tomorrow. I hope this one pans out, he'd make some decent money and lots of opportunities for growth. So keep your fingers crossed for him!

Interview

2008-02-15T20:26:00.002-05:00

I have an interview on Tuesday downtown for a Client Services position at a major banking corporation. Im nervous b/c this is a "reach" position for me...the pay will be between $43,000-$50,000 and theres traveling involved. It's a far cry from my crummy job I have now. Granted, it's what I deserve, I didn't go to 4 years of college to live barely above to poverty line. I also really really want a new job so i'm definatly excited about this opportunity!

A weight has been lifted!!

2008-02-15T20:21:00.002-05:00

Some background...Eric and I live at my mom's. I moved home when i graduated college in May, Eric moved in in August. He had a job for awhile but it was temporary and he's looking for a job now. My parents are also going thru a divorce after 26 years of marriage, so my father doesnt live here (he hasnt in a while, long story)

So last night when Eric got home from his hometown where he was getting my car fixed, we were on the way out the door to get to the store. My mom says her and my dad want to talk to us when we get back (my dad was over). I instantly was on guard and on the defensive. Eric and I drive around and I'm feeling sooo sick to my stomach and shaky and sooo anxious. Eric was upset too about it cuz we both thought they were gonna say that Eric had to get out, that they didnt want me with him, etc. So we get home. lets get this over with. Eric and I are on the defensive but my parents took a really relaxed approach. I of course burst into tears right away cuz of all my pent up anxiety. Eric was like ya know i dont really know you so its a bit awkward (to my dad). For awhile they were talking like i wasnt even in the room, i was just sitting there holdng back tears and they were all talking about me, how they all care about me and stuff.

But anyways, I cant remember it all but it comes down to: My parents see that I chose my Eric and they trust my judgement. They care about what happens to me and because I'm their daughter, they care about DB. They want us both to succeed. My dad asked Eric where he sees himself in 10 years, Eric said well no one really knows what the future holds, but i see myself married to Elise and living in a house, living comfortably. My dad was like you want a career not a job, and eric goes yea of course thats what I want but i'll just take anything right now. My dad said he'd help Eric ya know, talk with him once a week or whatever to help him find the career path he wants to take. he was like ya know everyone gets breaks and i know youve had none. At the very least you can use some guidence. Eric is not getting any younger (and neither am I) and we both could use some help I guess figuring things out. My dad spent a couple years unemployed so he knows, my dad actually did a lot of work that Eric has done so he knows what it's like to do hard labor work and to be thinking about ok...what am i gonna really do as a career? Eric would like to learn a trade, or go back to school and get the education needed for a career where he can live comfortable. I think it helped my parents cuz i know thats what they wanted to hear (Eric was serious, that IS what he wants). Best thing is both my parents said ya know Eric, no one wants you out of here, we want to see you happy and succeed. We also talked about me and i cleared up some things about what *I* want (like pertaining to going on to get my masters and stuff). It was actually a really good talk. My parents were really open and respectful and we cleared up a lot of misunderstandings. i am SOOOOO happy they actually gave their approval and didnt act like they wanted me and eric to break up b/c thats how we've been feeling. I can tell Eric was being sincere with my parents and that he is SO relieved too. Theres so much more I can say but I'm rambling. it was a long talk so I cant say it all but basically no ones getting kicked out of here, and my parents want to help Eric, and *us* as a couple to help us succeed and do well. And I think they understand too that we're serious, that erics not leaving my life and that we are gonna be getting out of here when we can, together. So all in all it was a good talk and we both think it was really nice of my parents to talk like that.

Long Overdue Update

2008-01-26T14:32:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone, I didn't realize it was so long since I last posted! I think I came on like last month and wrote an update and then when I went to post, it timed out and I lost it. But I digress...

Where do I start?

1) Eric is still living here at my mom's, and well I am too. We are starting to look at apartments now though. I looked today actually but got discouraged b/c there didn't seem too many good ones/decently priced ones out there right now. A couple months ago there were tons! Eric had a job for a while but ended up quiting due to some crazy things (like severe OSHA violations). So he's looking for a job again. He's had a few interviews and is working with a staffing agency now to try and find something. We're getting desperate because nothing seems to be coming up.

2) I too am looking for a new job. I HATE mine. I work overtime every day and soon I'm going to have to start working Saturdays too. I DON'T want to be a workaholic, especially at a job that i hate. Everyday I'm knocked down, made to feel stupid, that I can't do anything right, etc. If I separate myself away from the situation, I can see that my self esteem has just plummeted since I've been here.
I mean, I was educated at the 6th best public school in the nation, and the NUMBER ONE best public college in the nation. In theory, I know I am bright and well educated. Yet, honestly, I just feel worthless and too stupid to do any job right. I know deep down its just from hearing that junk daily at work, but it's hard not to let it get to you. I've applied a million places but have only had a few nibbles that never pan out. We are both getting so frustrated with the lack of job opportunities here.

3) I am looking into going and getting my Masters in Elementary Ed. I'll have to take 2 undergrad classes though b/c of some NY state requirements. The thought of having to do that after i JUST finished my BA degree is daunting; I just want to get started on my Masters if I have to go back to school. I need a math class and...a GYM class LOL. Well really, it can be a "health" class.
I don't know how the logistics of everything will work out, I need a new job first, one where I don't have to stay super late every single night. Most Masters classes around here are in the evening/weekends for working adults. And eventually, when I have to student teach, I will definitely only be able to work part time. Although the thought of working full time and going to school full time scares me. I feel like that makes me sound lazy, but I'm just scared I won't be able to handle it all. But money wise...I don't know how I'd afford it otherwise. It's going to be hard to begin with even with me working full time.

And presently, we are fighting the sickies. We have been since before Christmas!!
First I was sick, then Eric, then me, and now Eric again. And then this morning I woke up with a sore throat. Eric is super sick and SO SO grumpy and ornery. I can't do anything right; I tried cleaning up the millions of Kleenex's around him a couple hours ago and he got all mad at me. He's telling me he's starving so I ordered a pizza, went and got it all by myself, went to the grocery store and got some pop, and guess what? He hasn't eaten any of it! GR why do people with Y chromosomes get so ridiculous when they're sick!! lol

here i am!

2007-08-05T23:03:00.000-04:00

Eric has moved in with us at my MOM"S house... yes a shock but his roommate he was living with in the city an hour away was lying to him, and their electric got shut off and he had to be out within 4 days... it was just a weird situation and honestly, its for the best that that skeevy weird roommate is out of his life. Well he moved HERE to my city, but he is A) broke and B) needs to find a job. My mom has been incredibly nice and supportive with it all. Eric might have a job coming his way though actually, he has an interview on Tuesday, so fingers crossed. We havent been sharing my room/bed... we set him up out on our back "porch" its not really a porch but a room thats surrounded in windows that runs the length of our house... its a normal room tho with heat and stuff (haha not that you need the heat now!) Our plan is to move out into our own place as soon as possible... saving money is HARD tho and where i live, the real estate prices are a lot higher than where he was living. He had a 2 bedroom apt for $350/month including utilities where he was... a 1 bedroom here is gonna be like $600/month, although we are finding some smaller ones for $450. Anyway, thats the latest with that, and it is pretty worrisome sometimes cuz everything is just so up in the air! Eric has been really helpful around my house though so my mom is loving that!

I've been moved departments at work and tomorrow is my first day in the new area, I'm getting trained for like a week or two. I got moved to Tax Sale, which is when people's houses are about to be sold at auction (i work for a company called First American, they do proptery tax reporting, but CitiMortgage and PHH outsource through them to pay people's property taxes who have loans with them... i work for CitiMortgage.) I'm nervous cuz it's a lot more stressful of a position and it's harder work for now more raise in pay. And get this... the other day I found out that cashier's at Aldi's (grocery) make more money than I do!!! Thats RIDICULOUS, i knew i was underpaid but i didn't think it was that bad. I actually have an application for there, cuz well, I need a part-time job anyways when I go back to school to get my Master's and i could work part-time there without taking a pay cut for normal hourly wage. I'm not going back to school till Fall '08, but hey if I got hired there fulltime now, i'd go. I know it doesn't seem glamorous but eff it, i'd be making more money than at my "fortune 500" job, I wouldn't be so stressed over a stupid job all the time, and it'd give me the flexibility to work part-time when the time came for it. Its not like either job is the "career" i will have... I'm just biding my time right now, saving up money, and waiting till i can get my Master's to do what i REALLY want to do (teacher).

Well, I need to go shower and spend some time worrying about work tomorrow before I go to bed.

here I am!

2007-08-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

HAvent posted in a month... what a bad journaler! So much has been happening, including me turning another year older (turned 22 on 7.17)

Eric has moved in with us at my MOM's house... yes a shock but his roommate he was living with in the city an hour away was lying to him, and their electric got shut off and he had to be out within 4 days... it was just a weird situation and honestly, its for the best that that skeevy weird roommate is out of his life. Well he moved HERE to my city, but he is A) broke and B) needs to find a job. My mom has been incredibly nice and supportive with it all. Eric might have a job coming his way though actually, he has an interview on Tuesday, so fingers crossed. We havent been sharing my room/bed... we set him up out on our back "porch" its not really a porch but a room thats surrounded in windows that runs the length of our house... its a normal room tho with heat and stuff (haha not that you need the heat now!) Our plan is to move out into our own place as soon as possible... saving money is HARD tho and where i live, the real estate prices are a lot higher than where he was living. He had a 2 bedroom apt for $350/month including utilities where he was... a 1 bedroom here is gonna be like $600/month, although we are finding some smaller ones for $450. Anyway, thats the latest with that, and it is pretty worrisome sometimes cuz everything is just so up in the air! Eric has been really helpful around my house though so my mom is loving that! I've been moved departments at work and tomorrow is my first day in the new area, I'm getting trained for like a week or two. I got moved to Tax Sale, which is when people's houses are about to be sold at auction (i work for a company called First American, they do proptery tax reporting, but CitiMortgage and PHH outsource through them to pay people's property taxes who have loans with them... i work for CitiMortgage.) I'm nervous cuz it's a lot more stressful of a position and it's harder work for now more raise in pay. And get this... the other day I found out that cashier's at Aldi's (grocery) make more money than I do!!! Thats RIDICULOUS, i knew i was underpaid but i didn't think it was that bad. I actually have an application for there, cuz well, I need a part-time job anyways when I go back to school to get my Master's and i could work part-time there without taking a pay cut for normal hourly wage. I'm not going back to school till Fall '08, but hey if I got hired there fulltime now, i'd go. I know it doesn't seem glamorous but eff it, i'd be making more money than at my "fortune 500" job, I wouldn't be so stressed over a stupid job all the time, and it'd give me the flexibility to work part-time when the time came for it. Its not like either job is the "career" i will have... I'm just biding my time right now, saving up money, and waiting till i can get my Master's to do what i REALLY want to do (teacher). Well, I need to go shower and spend some time worrying about work tomorrow before I go to bed.

2007-07-07T12:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I sure havent updated in a while!!

I've been working 40 hours a week and it is HARD work, definatly don't pay us enough. It's not a mind numbing entry level job, you have to T-H-I-N-K, make decisions, and its affecting thousands of dollars of people's money!! You'd think the company would deem that important and pay you more than what we're paid, but no. I love the people I work with, even if I don't like the job so much.

I've actually decided to go back to school to get my Master's in (probably) Fall '08!! I want to be *drum roll please* an elementary school teacher!!!! It just seems like the right thing, the thing i have been avoiding admiting to for the past 5 years, but i know it's right. Plus, i'd LOVE to have summer's off and still make a full years salary (hehe). And teachers around here get paid pretty well, more than i'm making now. Teaching jobs around here arent the easiest to get though, but if I wanted to move down south, the schools down there eat NY trained and certified teachers up. Only thing is, i dont know if i'd want to move! The Masters program is only a year if i went full time, except I dont know how i'd work full time too. So much of it is outside of the classroom, 100 hours need to be spent in schools during the 1st semester and then 2nd semester its 14 weeks of full-time student teaching! I'd probably have to quit my job and find something parttime... my mother will be thrilled... she thinks i should be able to do it all *rolls eyes*

I cant wait to get out of my mothers house, i need to save a bit more money still. It doesnt help that my car is having troubles and its going to cost $500+ to fix it. (the appt's on tuesday). So that's definatly a set back there. Eric's living 50 miles away now, sharing an apt wit ha buddy of his. We were thinking about moving in together in the fall but now I dont know what he wants to do, he's in a band there now and stuff. He still does NOT have a job, although he finally applied for unemployment and is going to start receiving that soon. It doesnt help that his car blew up, which makes it harder when youre trying to find a job. His father is a mechanic and said hopefully he can get his car fixed for him by his bday (which is august 12th).

Speaking of birthdays.... mine's in 10 days! It's 7/17, I'm going to be 22! Wow, i feel so old, I was just talking to a friend of mine the other day about something i did the summer i turned 17 and i couldnt believe it when i realized that was FIVE years ago! I almost felt like crying, why does time (and life) have to go by SO fast?

I'm a college graduate!

2007-05-22T01:42:00.000-04:00

I graduated college on Saturday, May 12th with my BA in poltical science!! I should also be started a job doing real estate tax the day after memorial day.

However, I have always entertained the thought of being a teacher, i actually started college majoring in history education, to become a social studies teacher. I dont even really rememeber why i switched majors except i was 18 years old and too young to know what i wanted to do with my life.Ive really been thinking about it now though... i feel like its just the right decision for me and i know it but i tell myself its not becuase i have a fear of failure. Eric has been encouraging me to do it, and my family always has. You make decent money for not even working a full year... i mean teachers only work 9 months a year and still get paid middle class income. So itd be nice to have summers off, especially when i have kids. I'd get my masters in secondary education, and teach social studies... since i have my BA in political science and so i'd actually get to use my undergrad degree a bit lol. You need to have your masters to teach here in NY anyways so i need my Masters no matter what. I debated between elementary and secondary (7-12) and i'm still not 100% but i think id be happier with secondary because you can reason with the older kids better... and with the younger kids its harder cuz thats when theyre learning their foundations and you have to catch all the learning disorders then and stuff. Id actually love to teach high school seniors, participation in government or AP gov't and politics is the course 12th graders learn here. Id love to teach any of them tho.. global history is 9th and 10th grade, and US history is 11th grade. Of course when you first start out teaching they stick you with the 7th and 8th graders in middle school tho cuz those are the hardest ages to teach!So, we'll see, i have to look at the grad school programs in the area to see what they offer... i dont have to make any decisions for awhile yet...

My job interview

2007-04-15T15:27:00.000-04:00

I went to a career fair on wednesday and got hooked up with a recruiter from a staffing agency. I had an interview on Friday at a job staffing place here with a recruiter. She has a job for me that is for a banking company that has started a division that takes over billings and taxes, etc, for its clients. Its kind of like this business here called Paychex which everyone in the city knows about so thats what i've been telling people its like lol. I asked her the name of the company tho and she said she "couldnt tell me yet because they like to remain private and dont want their name all out there." Ummm ok, thats odd, i hate secrecy. They have different braches of legal stuff too, i know they do real estate, and morgage law and stuff. Umm...she'll call me on monday probably to set up an interview which would acutally be with this company, and i'd have that interview next week. She said she'd be sitting in on that interview because theyre trying to cut down on the interview process (im assuming they used to do two interviews and are now making it into one). She was telling me about how they interview a bit and of course i was nervous about it. She said they do some like historical inititive or something approach...i dont really know. Basically playing off of my answers to their questions to ask me further questions. Be prepared to give detailed examples of times i've done problem solving, analyzing, decision making, etc. She was giving me some ideas...basically the roll she's is now is to help me get th ejob but she told me to be careful at the next interview cuz she has to wear a different hat at that one and dont ask her the things i would normally as her as my recruiter (its more chatty and casual in the recruiter relationship and the next one we'll have to act more formal.) Im glad she'll be there though cuz i think i'll feel a little more at ease. This job doesnt pay great, but its a dollar more than paychex for the same position and paychex is like THE reputable company in the city to get involved in, so i think thats a good sign. I get benefits, 401K, and 3.5 weeks of vacation a year. The good thing about the vacation is that every pay period you get reaccredited. So if you used a week, then the next pay period you would get bumped back up to 3.5 weeks. I wasnt really sure how it works but my recruiter was just like thats so awesome i wish my job was like that! So basically i would have a good amt of vacation available lol. The job is definatly a "get your feet wet" type of position and a good way to gain expereince. She said a lot of the people in the company are young, and actually the managers who are her contacts NOW were the graduates she placed there in 2003. So the managers are only 4 years older than me, plus its a good sign that they advanced already. She also said this job is good experience cuz other graduates she has placed here have gone on to great jobs and stuff. So we'll see!

Hello all

2007-04-10T01:37:00.000-04:00

Well, as usual i have been super busy, will it ever end?

I am frantically running around trying to finish up my college career, complete with exams, papers and last minute presentations. I'm also attempting to find a decent job after I graduate...i've had semi leads, but all have sort of unraveled. I'm going to go to a career fair on Wednesday, there's a ton of employer's going and many seem to be up my ally, so maybe that will turn something up.

Eric and I are doing well! It is still really, well, shitty, living 1.5 hours apart but what can you do? I've been crabby lately though, and he's had to put up with that. Being a crabby b*tch so early on in a relationship probably isn't the best thing. I need to remember to be really nice to him this weekend when he's here, haha. No i really do though, i've been moody and crabby for like 2 weeks due to crazy stress on top of PMS. The past 2 weekends he was here i got "mad" at him for such stupid reasons. Honestly now. Do you ever look back at your actions and emotions and think "my GOD i was a stupid girl!" I need to start being more happy go lucky again and not so stressed out. I even got a panic attack last week and i havent gotten one of those in 2 years! Last week was probably the worst week of my semester, but still. No one wantsto be around a crabby person, so i really need to work on improving my attitude.

I got a traffic ticket for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign (i STOPPED i swear!) and it cost me $200. THEN, NY state has this new law where if you have 6 points on your license you owe them $300- thats $100 a year for 3 years. This is brand spankin' new and of course i would get it. So that stupid stop sign is costing me $500. It was at the end of an expressway ramp in the middle of no where (getting off at my college) and of course there was a cop sitting there waiting for me. It kills me every car i see does the same thing i did-you can see for miles and miles and if theres no cars coming, you do the rolling stop thing. I swear i stopped for real though. A cops word against mine though, no point in arguing. So yea, money has been a stresser lately because of that. My apartments rent is $2000/month (split between 4 of us) but here they do it by semester since its a monoplozied college town. I owed $950, but i went and paid $400 last week so now my wonerful balance is $550. Le sigh, i hate money.

She lives!

2007-03-21T00:27:00.000-04:00

Hello, I have not disapeared off the face of the earth! I have had a lot of changes though since the last time I posted.

I mentioned in my last post that Matt and I were no more.

I have however found a wonderful NEW guy. Well I'd known him for a little while, but after Matt and I ended things, it suddenly seemed to make sense that I'd be with Eric. We've been "officially" together for a little over a month now and things are going well. He lives in Buffalo (about an hour away) so that kind of stinks becuase we can only see each other on the weekends. I can't wait till Friday when I can see him again. He's 24, so 3 years older than me. I'm trying to convince him to move here to Rochester as he needs a new apartment right now. He'd have to find a new job, but his job he's at now SUCKS, they don't give him enough hours, the pay is terrible and he doesn't even like it. I keep telling him he needs to leave anyways. We've even tossed around the idea of getting an apartment together once I graduate...my mother would love that! It would make sense though...it'd save us both money, and we'd probably be over at each other's apartments all the time anyways, so that'd be a further waste of money. Plus, I just want to be with him! My mom hasn't met him yet, but she will next weekend. She's been bugging me about it for some time now. She already has something against him because he dropped out of college. My mother is a snob when it comes to college education. I want him to go back to school myself and get his degree, but you can't make him. I just know he's smart enough to do it, lol plus then he'll make a lot more money hehe.

I graduate college on May 12th! I can't believe it, it's really not that far away at all. 4 years have come down to this! I'll have my BA in political science. I have been looking for jobs but my god it isn't easy. Especially since every job description posted wants you to have experience. Well how am I supposed to get that experience if I can't get hired somewhere!? lol I got a call today from a place that specialilizes in helping people with speical needs and other problems-its actually a big serious of agencies in the county. I know I'm a poli sci major but that's just kind of random- i really LOVE social things and human service stuff. I'm actually not all that interested in law stuff anymore. I know I know, but lots of people get into fields that don't go with their undergrad major...right? I just sent them my resume monday night and got the call the next day. The pay is horrible though (only $10/hr) so I think i'm going to pass. Not to sound snobby, but I'm better than that! I didnt go to college for 4 years to only make that...I know I'm worth more. Plus i HAVE to get a job with benefits, not having health insurance is not an option for me. I don't want to turn down a job though cuz what if I can't find anything else? This is all VERY stressful, especially since everybody and their brother keeps asking me about my plans and my family keeps on my case about my job search. Ah!

I'm such a dork. I was supposed to go on friday for my 2nd round of the Gardasil vaccine (its a series of 3 shots) and I totally forgot! I had to call today and I now have to go on Thursday at 10:45 which means I will be missing 2 of my classes. I need to get the shot in though. I also sceudaled a gyno exam for June 14th...fun. I had my annual in October and my pap came back with abnormal cells. So I had a colposcopy back in Decemebr and the result were "negative" not sure exactly what "negative" means except that thats good. But, for the next 2 years (I think) I have to have an exam every 6 months instead of once a year. Hopefully everythings clear in June, I don't want another colpo. It wasn't *that* bad, but I really HATE gynocological procedures. After that though, the normal exam won't seem that bad!

Well, I think I'm going to snuggle up in bed and watch some Cosby Show reruns on nick at nite. Hoepfully someone is reading this!

Changes

2007-01-21T20:30:00.001-05:00

I haven't been around for a little bit because so much has been going on.

I think Matt and I are done:( It makes me really sad but i can't say I'm surprised. It was never really serious anyway. I'm still pretty upset though. I could feel him growing distant when we'd talk online, and he wasn't calling much and I could just tell. I feel like he's at his internship in Oregon and now he just wants to dick around and be crazy, and I don't fit into that life. We never had official words like "we're breaking up" but over the course of our conversation the night it happened, it was pretty much implied. I don't even know everything that I feel...it still hasn't tottally "sunk in" yet. I've talked to him a bit since, but it kinda just makes me too sad.

School has started up, and it seems like an easy semester...i'm taking all 100 level classes...lol even in disciplines that i've taken upper level 300 level classes in and stuff. I wanna get a good GPA my last semester of college. I turned in my graduation application on friday...can't believe i'm going to graduate in May!! Seems like just yesterday I was a little naive freshman in college!

I feel like I have so much to say but can't think of what to write...so i guess I'll just go. I haven't made dinner yet and it's almost 9pm!! No appetite, but now i'm getting kind of hungry.

Never ending

2007-01-12T23:01:00.000-05:00

Sickness. It's all post nasal drip... its irritating my throat and making me cough and i'm all stuffy. I'm so SICK of being sick!!

I've talked to Matt. i dont know what's up with him. He's definatly acting weird. The other day he had an away message up while he was at work (i think he was online at work) and it said something like "so tired...thanks to someone keeping me up! ;)" well that someone wasnt me. I know it meant up late TALKING to someone online, but that bugs me! Why can't he stay up late talking to me. Grr.

Af arrived yesterday. It is SO heavy. It's the kind that's making me feel like I don't want to do anything. I'm supposed to be going out with friends since I'm going back to school probably on sunday...but i really don't feel like going anywhere. Then that makes me feel like a lazy bum!

Guess who hasn't called me

2007-01-06T20:58:00.000-05:00

Yep, that would be Mr.Love, although right now he's Mr.Poopface to me lol. He got to Oregon last night and texted me that he was there and safe. I haven't heard from him since and it's bugging me. He exercises his Y chromosome freely so this isn't shoking lol.

This girl I know is pregnant...she got married after only meeting the guy 3 times, she's 19 with no high school education, no health insurance, no obgyn (has never been), living in the projects... I hope the best for her because she's not in the best situation. I personally would never TTC if i had no insurance and couldn't afford gas some days to get to work, but we all choose different paths I guess. I guess it just bugs me when someone is TTC knowing theyre gonna have to use welfare, I just don't think it's responsible. We never would have started TTC if we financial had not been able to provide for a baby, even when i was still being told i was going to lose both my ovaries within 5-7 years and was on limited time. A "mistake" is one thing...but purposely trying, i dont know, I guess I just wouldn't do that in that situation. I don't think it's the most responsible decision in the world, but it's not the first time it's happened... I'm hoping it'll be a good thing actually and help her grow up, grow some backbone and learn a bit about the world. Shes just REALLY naive about the real world...she didnt even know she needed prenatal care. I do like her, she just has some big self esteem, self worth, personal identity issues and I hope that this helps with that...

Anyway, I went to dinner for my cousins 15th birthday tonight and I'm about to head over to their house in a few minutes for some cake. Im waiting for my mom to swing by and get me, she's down the street at my cousins...we're watching her 6 and 10 year old and the 10 year old isnt home from hockey practice yet and we're waiting to bring them over too. Hah, we're bringing over an old home video me and my sister were watching from July 1989 when we were all at a cottage in canada...omg we were SO cute. Only 4 of us were born (out of 7 girls) me and my cousin heather were 4 (well my bday was 3 weeks away), my cousin emilie was almost 2, and my sister lindsay was 15 months. Just so adorable!

I should go clean myself up a bit. Im sick AGAIN. Im on anti biotics for an unknown coldlike infection and was better for like 5 days. Now i'm sick again. My throat hurts, my glands are swollen and i have a low grade fever. Im also exhuasted because i literally did not sleep last night. I snoozed for about 3 hours this afternoon, so as you can guess i'm tired. I need to try and get to bed decent season tonight...although it's already 9pm!

4am musings of a Insomniac

2007-01-05T04:16:00.000-05:00

First i will give you a taste of Sammy, the fat dog. My sister brought home a new toy for him a few days ago, actually her friend's sister was getting rid of this stuffed animal dog that has an uncanny resemblense to Mr.Sammy. Sammy had no idea what to do or what to make of this new creature. He was touching noses, and sniffing its butt! We put it in Sam's bed, and I think the look on his face sums up how he was feeling perfectly.

Now I am laying in my bed and reveling in the wonders of the laptop. I just got into bed actually, after i spent hours at the desk, in an old wooden chair, I remembered that 'Hey! this computer is mobile!' and got in my bed. My back feels so much better haha.

So yes, I can't sleep. Insomnia? Yes, I think so. It's raining out and I like the way it sounds, although in my bedroom here at home, the way it hits the gutter or something right outside my window is extremely annoying. So, there's no soft raindrop sounds that I'm listening to but rather a sporatic clucking of water on metal.

I lie down and thoughts run through my head, like every night. (Not to mention that I had a late night snack of that green chili and my stomach is a little off). I can't believe Mr.Love is leaving tomorrow. It just seems so surreal. he leaves from Albany sometime this morning. Am I a bad Lover that I don't know the exact time? I think it's ok since I am all the way across the state and don't have to worry about an airport farewell. Matt has been home for christmas as well as me, his hometown is this little rinky dink place 4 hours east of here, semi close to albany. It's kinda of stunk because these last few weeks I haven't gotten to see him much. He was here on Tuesday and that's when we said our goodbyes in person. I'm a little perturbed at him because he didn't call me tonight. You'd think he would, even just to vent his worries about the change ahead. But I know him well enough to know that he has no worries! I admire his self-confidence so much, I wish I had an ounce of it. He's self-confident but not stuck-up or pompous...it's the kind of confidence that just radiates good humor and good nature. I know he's actually very excited about going out to Oregon for this internship. If it was me, I'd be up all night worrying with my stomach in knots. I guess what this is coming down to is I do have a fear of us growing apart. And more specifically, that he will "forget" about me. I won't whine about how unfair this all is but...well it is!

I think this might be a good thing though, so that I can focus on my last semester of college and I'll get to spend it doing normal collegey things in one last hurrah of it. I am ready to be done with school, and have been for awhile, and have been acting like it for awhile, but maybe just geting this one semester to act like I love it again will be good for me (am i just groping for the positive here?)

When I lie in bed I also think of someone else. Chris, my ex. He was the first man I ever really loved, in fact I do love him still. The love is not the same exact type, but i will always love him because once I love someone truely, I never stop. We talk very often-every day to every other day. Sometimes I get angry and know why we're not together and sometimes I really do miss him. Maybe that's bad of me, I dont know. But we went through so much together and I experienced such new feelings when we were a couple. The ultimate thing that prompted our break up was I had just had a miscarriage 3 weeks before and I think he had trouble dealing with it, and dealing with how I was feeling. He was also in his senior year of college and was extremely stressed from that (i just had a brutal semester, so i can now see how he must have been feeling acedemically). He also wanted some space to spend time with friends, and even though I still don't think the amount of time we spent together was an unusual high amount, he thought it was in the end. I do wish things could have been different, but everything works out in the end. If it wasn't for that breakup I wouldn't have experienced this relationship with Matt now. Don't misunderstand me that anything would ever start up between us again, because it wouldn't, if for anything else but the fact that he lives on Long Island now and has a girlfriend (who looks JUST like me btw, creep factor=100%)

I set up my tripod and got out my camera (brand new for xmas Canon G7) and had a little photoshoot tonight but gosh I just hated everything. Nothing was turning out how I wanted. Then I took some pictures of my butt and of course those turned out pretty good! *Sigh* I will never be a serious photographer when the only decent photos I can get are ghetto booty money shots.

first entry jumble

2007-01-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

So i've had this account for awhile and never blogged on it... I suppose I couldn't imagine cheating on my old Livejournal. But, it's time for something new!

Today i woke up relatively early for me, 8:30, and suddenly felt an urge to job search. I submitted my resume online to a few places... maybe I'll hear back, we can only hope. I feel a little guilty because i didn't attend a job fair i was planning on going too. Once again my anxiety kicked in, plus the fact that only 2 employer's out of the 30 there would have applied to my interest, major, and experience. Hah, guilt really makes me work!

My next semester starts the day after Martin Luther King day. My last semester in college! Wow, i can't believe how quickly time has gone by. Hopefully this semester won't be too hard. Last semester killed me, really, it was just so brutal, I don't know how i made it through!

I actually cooked tonight. I was watching Rachael Ray this morning (this is not a usual thing) and she made "Green Tortilla Chili." I dont know if it's just because i was hungry then, but my god I just wanted some of that chili. So i actually went grocery shopping, got all the ingrediants, and made it! I have NEVER done this before. And by "never" I'm talking about making a dish I saw made on TV. But lol, "never" could apply to cooking in general. Because when do i cook? I still haven't lived down the incident of setting the kitchen on fire whilst making a tuna melt...

Matt leaves tomorrow for Oregon. He'll be gone till August. This is really killing me. 7 months away... He has to do 5 internships for his major (computer engineering) and he got an internship in Hillsboro, Oregon at Intel. I feel like he's been pulling away a bit, but maybe I have as well. I feel like if I make myself feel less attached, then it won't feel as bad. We made love on Tuesday, I know i was ovulating, and I honestly hope I didn't get preg... I can't imagine going through a pregnancy without him here. I actually thought about going to get the morning afterpill the more i thought about it, but I decided to just relax. Plus, it wouldn't have worked now anyway because i'm on antibioticcs for a sinus infection. Sometimes i can really overthink things, ya know? We'll see I guess.... I've actually been thinking about going back on BCP's while he's gone. It'll really even out my period I think, and there's no point NOT being on them now.

Sometimes I feel like we should just have gotten engaged before he left, but idk, I didnt want it to be rushed and "just because" he is going away. Plus, I don't want to have a long drawn out engangement or be planing things here all by myself. He'll be back, and then we can go from there. Maybe this is a good thing...some time apart might be good to think things through and think about what we really want to do with our lives.

My guitar playing has been going well...I'm learning all the basics and it still sounds like a big jumble of a mess but i'm getting better! My fingers have callosed up a bit and the strings don't kill me anymore when i move my fingers on the frets. Someday, someday I'll rock like Hendrix... lol.

Well, I'm off to help my 15 year old sister finish writing up a 5 page Bio paper. Ah the days when 5 page papers seemed like a monstrous amount of scriblings to produce! I'm such a dork though, I'm actually looking forward to helping her. My mind has felt like mush these past few weeks since I've been on Winter Break!