Changes

I haven't been around for a little bit because so much has been going on.

I think Matt and I are done:( It makes me really sad but i can't say I'm surprised. It was never really serious anyway. I'm still pretty upset though. I could feel him growing distant when we'd talk online, and he wasn't calling much and I could just tell. I feel like he's at his internship in Oregon and now he just wants to dick around and be crazy, and I don't fit into that life. We never had official words like "we're breaking up" but over the course of our conversation the night it happened, it was pretty much implied. I don't even know everything that I feel...it still hasn't tottally "sunk in" yet. I've talked to him a bit since, but it kinda just makes me too sad.

School has started up, and it seems like an easy semester...i'm taking all 100 level classes...lol even in disciplines that i've taken upper level 300 level classes in and stuff. I wanna get a good GPA my last semester of college. I turned in my graduation application on friday...can't believe i'm going to graduate in May!! Seems like just yesterday I was a little naive freshman in college!

I feel like I have so much to say but can't think of what to write...so i guess I'll just go. I haven't made dinner yet and it's almost 9pm!! No appetite, but now i'm getting kind of hungry.

Never ending

Sickness. It's all post nasal drip... its irritating my throat and making me cough and i'm all stuffy. I'm so SICK of being sick!!

I've talked to Matt. i dont know what's up with him. He's definatly acting weird. The other day he had an away message up while he was at work (i think he was online at work) and it said something like "so tired...thanks to someone keeping me up! ;)" well that someone wasnt me. I know it meant up late TALKING to someone online, but that bugs me! Why can't he stay up late talking to me. Grr.

Af arrived yesterday. It is SO heavy. It's the kind that's making me feel like I don't want to do anything. I'm supposed to be going out with friends since I'm going back to school probably on sunday...but i really don't feel like going anywhere. Then that makes me feel like a lazy bum!

Guess who hasn't called me

Yep, that would be Mr.Love, although right now he's Mr.Poopface to me lol. He got to Oregon last night and texted me that he was there and safe. I haven't heard from him since and it's bugging me. He exercises his Y chromosome freely so this isn't shoking lol.

This girl I know is pregnant...she got married after only meeting the guy 3 times, she's 19 with no high school education, no health insurance, no obgyn (has never been), living in the projects... I hope the best for her because she's not in the best situation. I personally would never TTC if i had no insurance and couldn't afford gas some days to get to work, but we all choose different paths I guess. I guess it just bugs me when someone is TTC knowing theyre gonna have to use welfare, I just don't think it's responsible. We never would have started TTC if we financial had not been able to provide for a baby, even when i was still being told i was going to lose both my ovaries within 5-7 years and was on limited time. A "mistake" is one thing...but purposely trying, i dont know, I guess I just wouldn't do that in that situation. I don't think it's the most responsible decision in the world, but it's not the first time it's happened... I'm hoping it'll be a good thing actually and help her grow up, grow some backbone and learn a bit about the world. Shes just REALLY naive about the real world...she didnt even know she needed prenatal care. I do like her, she just has some big self esteem, self worth, personal identity issues and I hope that this helps with that...

Anyway, I went to dinner for my cousins 15th birthday tonight and I'm about to head over to their house in a few minutes for some cake. Im waiting for my mom to swing by and get me, she's down the street at my cousins...we're watching her 6 and 10 year old and the 10 year old isnt home from hockey practice yet and we're waiting to bring them over too. Hah, we're bringing over an old home video me and my sister were watching from July 1989 when we were all at a cottage in canada...omg we were SO cute. Only 4 of us were born (out of 7 girls) me and my cousin heather were 4 (well my bday was 3 weeks away), my cousin emilie was almost 2, and my sister lindsay was 15 months. Just so adorable!

I should go clean myself up a bit. Im sick AGAIN. Im on anti biotics for an unknown coldlike infection and was better for like 5 days. Now i'm sick again. My throat hurts, my glands are swollen and i have a low grade fever. Im also exhuasted because i literally did not sleep last night. I snoozed for about 3 hours this afternoon, so as you can guess i'm tired. I need to try and get to bed decent season tonight...although it's already 9pm!

4am musings of a Insomniac

First i will give you a taste of Sammy, the fat dog. My sister brought home a new toy for him a few days ago, actually her friend's sister was getting rid of this stuffed animal dog that has an uncanny resemblense to Mr.Sammy. Sammy had no idea what to do or what to make of this new creature. He was touching noses, and sniffing its butt! We put it in Sam's bed, and I think the look on his face sums up how he was feeling perfectly.

Now I am laying in my bed and reveling in the wonders of the laptop. I just got into bed actually, after i spent hours at the desk, in an old wooden chair, I remembered that 'Hey! this computer is mobile!' and got in my bed. My back feels so much better haha.

So yes, I can't sleep. Insomnia? Yes, I think so. It's raining out and I like the way it sounds, although in my bedroom here at home, the way it hits the gutter or something right outside my window is extremely annoying. So, there's no soft raindrop sounds that I'm listening to but rather a sporatic clucking of water on metal.

I lie down and thoughts run through my head, like every night. (Not to mention that I had a late night snack of that green chili and my stomach is a little off). I can't believe Mr.Love is leaving tomorrow. It just seems so surreal. he leaves from Albany sometime this morning. Am I a bad Lover that I don't know the exact time? I think it's ok since I am all the way across the state and don't have to worry about an airport farewell. Matt has been home for christmas as well as me, his hometown is this little rinky dink place 4 hours east of here, semi close to albany. It's kinda of stunk because these last few weeks I haven't gotten to see him much. He was here on Tuesday and that's when we said our goodbyes in person. I'm a little perturbed at him because he didn't call me tonight. You'd think he would, even just to vent his worries about the change ahead. But I know him well enough to know that he has no worries! I admire his self-confidence so much, I wish I had an ounce of it. He's self-confident but not stuck-up or pompous...it's the kind of confidence that just radiates good humor and good nature. I know he's actually very excited about going out to Oregon for this internship. If it was me, I'd be up all night worrying with my stomach in knots. I guess what this is coming down to is I do have a fear of us growing apart. And more specifically, that he will "forget" about me. I won't whine about how unfair this all is but...well it is!

I think this might be a good thing though, so that I can focus on my last semester of college and I'll get to spend it doing normal collegey things in one last hurrah of it. I am ready to be done with school, and have been for awhile, and have been acting like it for awhile, but maybe just geting this one semester to act like I love it again will be good for me (am i just groping for the positive here?)

When I lie in bed I also think of someone else. Chris, my ex. He was the first man I ever really loved, in fact I do love him still. The love is not the same exact type, but i will always love him because once I love someone truely, I never stop. We talk very often-every day to every other day. Sometimes I get angry and know why we're not together and sometimes I really do miss him. Maybe that's bad of me, I dont know. But we went through so much together and I experienced such new feelings when we were a couple. The ultimate thing that prompted our break up was I had just had a miscarriage 3 weeks before and I think he had trouble dealing with it, and dealing with how I was feeling. He was also in his senior year of college and was extremely stressed from that (i just had a brutal semester, so i can now see how he must have been feeling acedemically). He also wanted some space to spend time with friends, and even though I still don't think the amount of time we spent together was an unusual high amount, he thought it was in the end. I do wish things could have been different, but everything works out in the end. If it wasn't for that breakup I wouldn't have experienced this relationship with Matt now. Don't misunderstand me that anything would ever start up between us again, because it wouldn't, if for anything else but the fact that he lives on Long Island now and has a girlfriend (who looks JUST like me btw, creep factor=100%)

I set up my tripod and got out my camera (brand new for xmas Canon G7) and had a little photoshoot tonight but gosh I just hated everything. Nothing was turning out how I wanted. Then I took some pictures of my butt and of course those turned out pretty good! *Sigh* I will never be a serious photographer when the only decent photos I can get are ghetto booty money shots.

first entry jumble

So i've had this account for awhile and never blogged on it... I suppose I couldn't imagine cheating on my old Livejournal. But, it's time for something new!

Today i woke up relatively early for me, 8:30, and suddenly felt an urge to job search. I submitted my resume online to a few places... maybe I'll hear back, we can only hope. I feel a little guilty because i didn't attend a job fair i was planning on going too. Once again my anxiety kicked in, plus the fact that only 2 employer's out of the 30 there would have applied to my interest, major, and experience. Hah, guilt really makes me work!

My next semester starts the day after Martin Luther King day. My last semester in college! Wow, i can't believe how quickly time has gone by. Hopefully this semester won't be too hard. Last semester killed me, really, it was just so brutal, I don't know how i made it through!

I actually cooked tonight. I was watching Rachael Ray this morning (this is not a usual thing) and she made "Green Tortilla Chili." I dont know if it's just because i was hungry then, but my god I just wanted some of that chili. So i actually went grocery shopping, got all the ingrediants, and made it! I have NEVER done this before. And by "never" I'm talking about making a dish I saw made on TV. But lol, "never" could apply to cooking in general. Because when do i cook? I still haven't lived down the incident of setting the kitchen on fire whilst making a tuna melt...

Matt leaves tomorrow for Oregon. He'll be gone till August. This is really killing me. 7 months away... He has to do 5 internships for his major (computer engineering) and he got an internship in Hillsboro, Oregon at Intel. I feel like he's been pulling away a bit, but maybe I have as well. I feel like if I make myself feel less attached, then it won't feel as bad. We made love on Tuesday, I know i was ovulating, and I honestly hope I didn't get preg... I can't imagine going through a pregnancy without him here. I actually thought about going to get the morning afterpill the more i thought about it, but I decided to just relax. Plus, it wouldn't have worked now anyway because i'm on antibioticcs for a sinus infection. Sometimes i can really overthink things, ya know? We'll see I guess.... I've actually been thinking about going back on BCP's while he's gone. It'll really even out my period I think, and there's no point NOT being on them now.

Sometimes I feel like we should just have gotten engaged before he left, but idk, I didnt want it to be rushed and "just because" he is going away. Plus, I don't want to have a long drawn out engangement or be planing things here all by myself. He'll be back, and then we can go from there. Maybe this is a good thing...some time apart might be good to think things through and think about what we really want to do with our lives.

My guitar playing has been going well...I'm learning all the basics and it still sounds like a big jumble of a mess but i'm getting better! My fingers have callosed up a bit and the strings don't kill me anymore when i move my fingers on the frets. Someday, someday I'll rock like Hendrix... lol.

Well, I'm off to help my 15 year old sister finish writing up a 5 page Bio paper. Ah the days when 5 page papers seemed like a monstrous amount of scriblings to produce! I'm such a dork though, I'm actually looking forward to helping her. My mind has felt like mush these past few weeks since I've been on Winter Break!