4am musings of a Insomniac

First i will give you a taste of Sammy, the fat dog. My sister brought home a new toy for him a few days ago, actually her friend's sister was getting rid of this stuffed animal dog that has an uncanny resemblense to Mr.Sammy. Sammy had no idea what to do or what to make of this new creature. He was touching noses, and sniffing its butt! We put it in Sam's bed, and I think the look on his face sums up how he was feeling perfectly.

Now I am laying in my bed and reveling in the wonders of the laptop. I just got into bed actually, after i spent hours at the desk, in an old wooden chair, I remembered that 'Hey! this computer is mobile!' and got in my bed. My back feels so much better haha.

So yes, I can't sleep. Insomnia? Yes, I think so. It's raining out and I like the way it sounds, although in my bedroom here at home, the way it hits the gutter or something right outside my window is extremely annoying. So, there's no soft raindrop sounds that I'm listening to but rather a sporatic clucking of water on metal.

I lie down and thoughts run through my head, like every night. (Not to mention that I had a late night snack of that green chili and my stomach is a little off). I can't believe Mr.Love is leaving tomorrow. It just seems so surreal. he leaves from Albany sometime this morning. Am I a bad Lover that I don't know the exact time? I think it's ok since I am all the way across the state and don't have to worry about an airport farewell. Matt has been home for christmas as well as me, his hometown is this little rinky dink place 4 hours east of here, semi close to albany. It's kinda of stunk because these last few weeks I haven't gotten to see him much. He was here on Tuesday and that's when we said our goodbyes in person. I'm a little perturbed at him because he didn't call me tonight. You'd think he would, even just to vent his worries about the change ahead. But I know him well enough to know that he has no worries! I admire his self-confidence so much, I wish I had an ounce of it. He's self-confident but not stuck-up or pompous...it's the kind of confidence that just radiates good humor and good nature. I know he's actually very excited about going out to Oregon for this internship. If it was me, I'd be up all night worrying with my stomach in knots. I guess what this is coming down to is I do have a fear of us growing apart. And more specifically, that he will "forget" about me. I won't whine about how unfair this all is but...well it is!

I think this might be a good thing though, so that I can focus on my last semester of college and I'll get to spend it doing normal collegey things in one last hurrah of it. I am ready to be done with school, and have been for awhile, and have been acting like it for awhile, but maybe just geting this one semester to act like I love it again will be good for me (am i just groping for the positive here?)

When I lie in bed I also think of someone else. Chris, my ex. He was the first man I ever really loved, in fact I do love him still. The love is not the same exact type, but i will always love him because once I love someone truely, I never stop. We talk very often-every day to every other day. Sometimes I get angry and know why we're not together and sometimes I really do miss him. Maybe that's bad of me, I dont know. But we went through so much together and I experienced such new feelings when we were a couple. The ultimate thing that prompted our break up was I had just had a miscarriage 3 weeks before and I think he had trouble dealing with it, and dealing with how I was feeling. He was also in his senior year of college and was extremely stressed from that (i just had a brutal semester, so i can now see how he must have been feeling acedemically). He also wanted some space to spend time with friends, and even though I still don't think the amount of time we spent together was an unusual high amount, he thought it was in the end. I do wish things could have been different, but everything works out in the end. If it wasn't for that breakup I wouldn't have experienced this relationship with Matt now. Don't misunderstand me that anything would ever start up between us again, because it wouldn't, if for anything else but the fact that he lives on Long Island now and has a girlfriend (who looks JUST like me btw, creep factor=100%)

I set up my tripod and got out my camera (brand new for xmas Canon G7) and had a little photoshoot tonight but gosh I just hated everything. Nothing was turning out how I wanted. Then I took some pictures of my butt and of course those turned out pretty good! *Sigh* I will never be a serious photographer when the only decent photos I can get are ghetto booty money shots.